The 20 Fates That Can Stop Your Banana
When a free throw is nuked, one of 20 things stops the banana before it reaches the directory. Each is a small joke about the real reasons startups get turned down. Pick one from the list and watch it play on the TV.
1. The VC Pigeon
The VC pigeon took a dump on your submission. Valuation: tanked.
Spotted circling every demo day. Attracted to shiny decks and fresh seed rounds.
2. Founder Fright
Founder fright paralyzed your submission mid-air. It never recovered.
The oldest fate there is. The banana looked down and froze.
3. Term Sheet Tornado
A 47-page term sheet tornado swallowed your submission. Section 12(b) was unreasonable.
Forms over open prairie where convertible notes meet liquidation preferences.
4. Due Diligence Drone
The due diligence drone found a red flag. It was a typo on slide 3.
Scans everything. Forgives nothing. Carries a very small magnifying glass.
5. The Pivot
Your submission pivoted mid-air and flew straight back to you. It says it is exploring options.
Changed direction so hard it changed industries.
6. The NDA Shark
An NDA shark leapt out of the fog and ate your submission. You signed. Of course you signed.
Dressed in a suit. Strong views on mutual confidentiality.
7. Ghosted
A partner ghosted your submission. Read at 3:14 am. No reply.
Three dots appeared, then vanished. They always do.
8. Down Round
Gravity was repriced. Your submission took a down round and kept going down.
Everything is a little heavier now, and the arrow is red.
9. Trough of Disillusionment
Your submission slid into the trough of disillusionment. A tumbleweed was present.
The hype peaked. Then the trough, and a long, quiet slope after it.
10. The Unicorn
A unicorn that has never turned a profit skewered your submission and galloped off.
Magnificent. Valued at ten figures. Burns cash like a campfire.
11. Dilution Black Hole
Your submission was diluted into a black hole. You now own 0.0001%.
Every round makes the hole a little bigger.
12. Burn Rate
Your submission burned through its runway before it arrived. Twelve months became zero in two seconds.
The fuse was lit at both ends. Nobody checked the spreadsheet.
13. Hockey Stick Growth
A hockey stick smacked your submission backward. Growth is up and to the left.
Projected curves are a lot like this, but with fewer injuries.
14. The AI Wrapper
A robot arm rewrote your submission with AI. It now says delve in every sentence.
Slaps a sticker on anything. The sticker says AI.
15. Compliance Wall
A compliance wall rose from the ground. You needed permit 27-B and a notary.
Built overnight. Entirely legal. Somehow also on fire-code.
16. Synergy Gust
A gust of buzzwords blew your submission off course. It was last seen aligning on the paradigm.
Gusts up to 40 pivots per hour.
17. Recurring Meeting
Your submission got trapped in a quick sync. It has been recurring weekly ever since.
Thirty minutes. Then sixty. Then ninety. No agenda.
18. Server Cat
Someone unplugged the demo. The submission pixelated, blurted 404 and fell.
The cat sat on the power strip. This is not a metaphor.
19. Hype Balloon
Your pitch inflated past all reason. A cactus noticed.
Everything is a trillion-dollar market until the cactus arrives.
20. No Pattern Match
The Demi-Digital-God of Pattern Matching zapped it: this does not match any pattern I fund.
The gods see forty thousand decks a year and one pattern.
The real reasons startups get turned down
The animations are a joke, but the underlying lessons are not. Read about why startups fail, how to find product-market fit and SAFEs and convertible notes (the paperwork behind the term sheet tornado), or look up dilution, burn rate and pivots.
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